Startlings of Grief

What do you do when you miss someone so much and you cannot speak to them anymore? I’ve asked myself this question almost everyday for the past 4 years. I think what is making my situation worse is that I am also in some physical pain from a recent tonsillectomy I had done earlier this week. Recovery is awful and eating usual meals becomes close to none. I’ve been living off of popsicles and fluids and let me tell you that fluids become your best friend and thats if you don’t want to feel like you have a pulsating nail in your throat. I also lost an incredibly important relationship in my life just before the surgery, which added more fuel to my fire. Probably not how I planned it, but I couldn’t deal with the worry anymore. But thats another story for another day.

All of the pain that measures out day by day leads me to miss my dad who has been deceased for 4 years. Seems long, but its always recent for me; like it was yesterday.

Today, I was preparing to eat a dinner my mom made for me; something soft; accepting that I took to it well the other day, I figured I’d be able to handle it just as well today. After taking a few small bites, I felt a sharp shooting pain through my lower jaw and into the back of my tongue, as that area is rather swollen from the tonsillectomy. It felt like there was a permanent blade situated in the upper left corner, which punished me every time I would attempt to chew and swallow. Thus an unimaginable response displayed itself, I became incredibly upset and tears started rolling down my face. I wanted to hide, to lay down and wait to recover completely. I did not care if I didn’t eat for another two weeks, I would sleep it off… who am I kidding?! Eating is a joyous task for me and to those who know me can attest to that.

I badly wanted to eat since I haven’t had anything sustainable for a week. I became unsettled and sobbed for a few minutes, told my mom to leave my room because I was in pain and I wanted to handle it alone. I’ve done everything alone, since I was a kid… so why couldn’t I do this now? The answer is, I didn’t want to be alone, I wanted someone beside me, to comfort me, to see how I was doing. I think that is a part of what pained me so much. I wanted my dad.

I remember awhile ago when I was in India on a family trip, I got the most horrific case of gastroenteritis. Believe me, it was bad. From what I recall, my dad never left my side. He sat by my bed and stroked my head until I’d waver in and out of sleep. It was a terrible last few days in a foreign country, as much as I love my dearest motherland… it definitely is not a place to get any type of sickness. I went through two IV bags, which for some reason were hanging from the ceiling fan, tied to a rope. Oh yeah, did I mention I wasn’t in a hospital? I’m pretty sure I would have died if I landed in a state hospital. No thanks. If I was there now, I know I would have slapped the odd looking man-child who said he was LIKE a doctor. I was 19 and had no idea what to expect. On the day I took my flight back home, my dad cried. He cried with me in his arms and told me that everything will be alright. I needed that and I certainly needed him.

At times I realize, I can no longer speak to my dad, its not that easy, you see. Realistically, I know he has died. I secretly hope that he is not. Perhaps, he wanted to get away and maybe faked his own death. Its the only way I can keep him alive in my memory without completely forgetting his presence. I believe it is my need for a father that drives me to such a thought, its irrational. I try to remember the smell of his hands, they always smelled like fresh cigarettes. Its rather ironic that the most vivid memory I have of him is solely driven by what took his life. Neither friend nor foe; I hope for one day to move onto another thought of him with much less of a hate connected to it.

Nonetheless, he can no longer sit beside me and have the desire to take my burdens away. I couldn’t say my good-byes, the day he passed, I made the best of it. I struggle with that everyday. We all have our scars, some are deep, some are superficial, mine have developed well distributed along that spectrum. I don’t know what to do anymore… I want to jump start my life as soon as possible. Move on, walk through life with those who love me and those I love; new and old… but I feel like I’ll never be able to break this tension. I want to start fresh, begin doing rather than thinking. For someone who has been alone their whole life, I can surely say the active need of bondage and love should be endless. My message is not meant to be a form of sadness wrapped in a depression blanket, my idea was to write it out and I did just that; at least until my pain meds kick in.

I surely hope to share the story of my dads death, I believe it to be a learning piece. It was rather unusual in the way the timing worked out and I still cannot define why it happened the way it did. All I know is that, it wasn’t fair and I hope no one else goes through what I did.

In my final thoughts to wrap this post up, I’d like to say never be afraid to love openly. For many it can be a point of vulnerability and that’s why many of us put up that wall to protect our emotions. Its a normal reaction that human beings have and it certainly cannot be erased. But think about how much that can be given to the other individual. Perhaps, they haven’t felt as much as you can give. It seems selfless and it is, I maybe just that. It is how I give, I’ve held back on my feelings before and I have not been able to be the same person I am today. Creating such a bond is extraordinary to me, especially between two people, I certainly have learned to cherish it and I hope such a person can give all of that back to me one day. ❤

Live, Laugh, Love – TP

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