Notorious Wedding Talk & Where I’ve Landed.

It took me sometime to come up with a topic I wanted to talk about. Fortunately, I can owe this post to an Indian soap my mom was watching this morning, titled Jodha Akbar. I mentioned to my mom that I wanted to wear a “large nose ring” on my wedding day because one of the women was adorned with one in said scene; otherwise called a vaari (in Gujrati). Preserving my cultural heritage is my priority, I was born an American, but I’d die for my culture. Thus, the planning began in my mothers head.

“Maybe you can wear a big necklace, it has to be gold though” – Indians have this obsession with gold due to it bringing prosperity to a family etc etc. 

To my non-Indian friends, the ridiculous round circle in this woman’s nostril is what we call a vaari. You only wear it on your wedding day. Disclaimer: Make sure to use a straw when drinking your beverage.. or else it’ll look like you are having a stroke.  Photo courtesy of Google images.

She continued to say ” Ohhh, and for the reception, if you want a real pearl necklace or a diamond necklace, we can get one of those too”.

And this is where I cut in to say, “First, let me find a guy, the last clearly didn’t work out the way it was supposed to”, in which we both burst out into laughter!

I gotta hand it to myself, my humor is top notch!

Awhile ago, my mom got an offer from a family friend about a guy who is “looking” for a girl. She told me and I rejected… (at that time I was in a relationship). She of course bought it up again this morning. She wanted to call the family and let them know….. eeekk. I don’t think I’m ready at the moment. The first thing I asked was if he was tall.

(Its a deal breaker for me, a tall man is like a Tulsi magnet…. not just because I am highly attracted to such a characteristic, its everything I’ve dreamt of … and then some ; ) And so, that is one of the qualities I do look for… I myself am short… someone a few inches taller has just never appealed to me… I like the tippy toe affect… always have)

Anyway, to continue… I still said no not yet.. I wasn’t ready. I need some time. This leads me to my next conundrum.

The idea of marriage to me has always been precious. I think of myself as an old soul. To me, if you aren’t ready to marry then don’t do it. It is something that is sacred enough to create a bond between two people, even if they were dating for awhile and things have died down a little. Truthfully, this is something I want, it is definitely something I want to share with another individual.. an individual that works for me. I believe, being married to someone will bring on that weird butterfly feeling, the excitement is another part of it. To be able to share a life with another is practically nuts and yet its become the norm. You learn to work in sync, sometimes things fall out of that coordinated life but thats where the excitement is, working out problems, making it work and of course the make up sex is the cherry on top. In my book at least. The height of marriage falls into friendship for me, being best friends with that person is an absolute must. Things just flow much better that way; acting like two people who are married to fulfill the contract… no, thats not how I imagine things. Marrying cause you’re getting old and you just want to settle… hey if you can handle that mind set, knock your self out, but I won’t. I can’t bare to imagine to spend my entire life with someone who I just settled for… what if my IT guy is out there and I just gave up because the hunt became to damn hard? At this point, its easier to say, to hell with getting old and the nagging that you hear from your parents… yes you should respect their opinions but 20 years down the road… its not their life that will be reaching the pinnacle, it will be yours. Like I said before, don’t do it until you are ready or until you’ve answered all of the questions you’ve come up with in your own head. Getting advice from a respected friend or sibling is great, but guess what… everyone says different… follow your mind, take a break for a bit.. its an everlasting project, its good to sometimes take a step back and evaluate things as they are. You know, seeing girlfriends getting engaged and then married literally kills you inside. Trust me, a good bunch of my nursing school friends ended up being proposed to after we all graduated. MY HEART fell out of my ass, for myself of course. Theres nothing more you can do but be happy for them, the one thing I wouldn’t want any woman to think is.. “when will it be my turn?”. I thought that. My relationship theme park shut down before I could even get in line for my turn. My point is, you never know what is going to happen… throughout my time with said person I dated I vowed to keep thinking that we never know what will happen, its better to be surprised then to have a plan in this game. The best relationships are the ones that are never expected to happen; whether they last or not, they teach you the most valuable and worthy lessons, its best to take it as an opportunity and go with it, because like I said you never know what will happen.

In all honesty, I thought I had found that person. I could picture myself, getting ready either standing at the altar or sitting around the fire, every things going smoothly, until I actually have to say “yes”. I saw myself hesitating. Why did I hesitate? After all, this is what I wanted, I couldn’t answer the question. There was something there that was stopping me, I couldn’t put a finger on it, I still can’t but something wasn’t right and that’s when I knew, this may not work. And that’s where my world began to shatter… unfortunately neither of us knew it. I like to think of it as not being able to face the truth because we both were happy with each other. Then I realized, maybe happiness isn’t the only thing you need to lead you down the path of marrying someone. Of course, there is love, respect, happiness, communication, compromise etc. Many factors make up a successful marriage to me. In my case, not everything was there; beliefs, values and the infamous party crasher, religion. As mad as I was at the latter, I had to let it go. You see, respecting him was a part of it and respecting his values is what made our decision easier. I’m more spiritual then religious, my beliefs are spread out through many religions, not just Hinduism and I like it that way. I’ve never seen myself being able to conform to just one thing; I like everything…. hmmm kinda like food. : x

In any relationship I’m in, my goal is to make things 50/50, to be fair is one of the ways I can give back to someone I am involved with. Just because I’m a woman does not mean I need the man to place everything at my feet.. it doesn’t work like that and I don’t want it to. For it to work… I should also be putting stuff at his feet; he needs to feel the appreciation just as much as I do. The male brain is wired WAY different than the female brain, for those of us into psychology, we can attest to that. Understanding, both worlds is important to me, you’ll see me catering to the male side just as much as the female; thats a real relationship to me.

Now that I may have solved some of this puzzle, my next worry is … who the hell is out there that shares what I have? Finding someone after college is probably as difficult as finding a needle in a hay stack; being that, that needle is the one you want to use. At one point in time, I promised myself and my best friend Reema that the next person I would date would be the person I’d want to marry. Obviously, that wasn’t the case. My fake promise led me down a path, although I regret nothing. 

There are so many people out there, I think most of all I am a bit scared, especially where I am right now. Time will fix that. But to me, what lies ahead isn’t necessarily going to define who I will marry and what will happen, what if I go through a series of boyfriends, before I hit my winning ticket? I’m 24, in the Indian world, this means your ass better start fighting for men, like someone handing out free ice-cream from the back of an ice-cream truck. (This really happened during my childhood by the way… it ended with sweaty Indian armpits in my face and big hipped women pushing to get a ice-cream cup for their 1 year old, who would’ve barely ate it).

As I’ve grown older, I have thought about many things. I’m a thinker and do it way too often. Probably way too much for my age. Its what makes me who I am. I think I know myself very well and I encourage many people to sit and think; it helps to define who you are. After dating around and being where I am, I know the type of man I want, of course I’m still learning as all of us are… but nonetheless I’ve got it down pat.

My ulterior motive here is to potentially find someone I’d want to marry. Mutually agreed upon, of course. Now, how do I do that? I’m done with school for now. I have a small circle of friends. Networking, seems to be a smart way of handling things; meeting a friends’ friend, or my favorite introductory line of all “I have this friend, who knows this guy, he’s also single, let me see if I can hook it up”. My face at this point, turns into an expressionless blob. Yes, I want to meet people; No, I don’t want to drown in dudes. I can’t play the I’m dating 5 guys at one time, to see who I like best game because frankly, I’d mess it up. Probably end up, texting guy A about plans I had with guy C and guy B is still waiting on my call all because I got confused between A and C. Then, they all peace out on me and once again Tulsi is as single as they come. Not my game, requires too much thinking, I already need my brain power to pass meds at work! I’d rather read a good book! So then, where does that take me? I live in a small town; unless the man of my dreams calls me out of the blue… looks like I’m still at square one.

I hope for someone to fall in love with my quirky humor, my witty remarks, my sailor mouth, my inappropriate comments, my love for books, the love I have for caring for those who cannot help themselves, my career, my family, which is huge, my short height because he should be 6 foot, my kinkiness, my hate for PDA, my need to have intellectual conversations, my love for debating, my appreciation for fights, my everlasting dreams of going paint balling, visiting a shooting range, laser tagging, acting like a ninja, when I can.., my nerdy-ness, the loyalty I have with said man, the love I have for him, the respect for his family and mine, my hate for lying and cheating, my feminist side, my independent-ness, my crazy anger, my sometimes irrational behavior… and so on… holy shit, theres so much more that makes up who I am.

                                   Where will I fit in some guys life where all of this will be accepted once again? I guess, we have to stay tuned to find out huh?!! Comments and thoughts are  always welcome! Especially from those married folk LOL.

Taking it one day at time;  Happy Pi day all … 3.14 all day. – TP

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Startlings of Grief

What do you do when you miss someone so much and you cannot speak to them anymore? I’ve asked myself this question almost everyday for the past 4 years. I think what is making my situation worse is that I am also in some physical pain from a recent tonsillectomy I had done earlier this week. Recovery is awful and eating usual meals becomes close to none. I’ve been living off of popsicles and fluids and let me tell you that fluids become your best friend and thats if you don’t want to feel like you have a pulsating nail in your throat. I also lost an incredibly important relationship in my life just before the surgery, which added more fuel to my fire. Probably not how I planned it, but I couldn’t deal with the worry anymore. But thats another story for another day.

All of the pain that measures out day by day leads me to miss my dad who has been deceased for 4 years. Seems long, but its always recent for me; like it was yesterday.

Today, I was preparing to eat a dinner my mom made for me; something soft; accepting that I took to it well the other day, I figured I’d be able to handle it just as well today. After taking a few small bites, I felt a sharp shooting pain through my lower jaw and into the back of my tongue, as that area is rather swollen from the tonsillectomy. It felt like there was a permanent blade situated in the upper left corner, which punished me every time I would attempt to chew and swallow. Thus an unimaginable response displayed itself, I became incredibly upset and tears started rolling down my face. I wanted to hide, to lay down and wait to recover completely. I did not care if I didn’t eat for another two weeks, I would sleep it off… who am I kidding?! Eating is a joyous task for me and to those who know me can attest to that.

I badly wanted to eat since I haven’t had anything sustainable for a week. I became unsettled and sobbed for a few minutes, told my mom to leave my room because I was in pain and I wanted to handle it alone. I’ve done everything alone, since I was a kid… so why couldn’t I do this now? The answer is, I didn’t want to be alone, I wanted someone beside me, to comfort me, to see how I was doing. I think that is a part of what pained me so much. I wanted my dad.

I remember awhile ago when I was in India on a family trip, I got the most horrific case of gastroenteritis. Believe me, it was bad. From what I recall, my dad never left my side. He sat by my bed and stroked my head until I’d waver in and out of sleep. It was a terrible last few days in a foreign country, as much as I love my dearest motherland… it definitely is not a place to get any type of sickness. I went through two IV bags, which for some reason were hanging from the ceiling fan, tied to a rope. Oh yeah, did I mention I wasn’t in a hospital? I’m pretty sure I would have died if I landed in a state hospital. No thanks. If I was there now, I know I would have slapped the odd looking man-child who said he was LIKE a doctor. I was 19 and had no idea what to expect. On the day I took my flight back home, my dad cried. He cried with me in his arms and told me that everything will be alright. I needed that and I certainly needed him.

At times I realize, I can no longer speak to my dad, its not that easy, you see. Realistically, I know he has died. I secretly hope that he is not. Perhaps, he wanted to get away and maybe faked his own death. Its the only way I can keep him alive in my memory without completely forgetting his presence. I believe it is my need for a father that drives me to such a thought, its irrational. I try to remember the smell of his hands, they always smelled like fresh cigarettes. Its rather ironic that the most vivid memory I have of him is solely driven by what took his life. Neither friend nor foe; I hope for one day to move onto another thought of him with much less of a hate connected to it.

Nonetheless, he can no longer sit beside me and have the desire to take my burdens away. I couldn’t say my good-byes, the day he passed, I made the best of it. I struggle with that everyday. We all have our scars, some are deep, some are superficial, mine have developed well distributed along that spectrum. I don’t know what to do anymore… I want to jump start my life as soon as possible. Move on, walk through life with those who love me and those I love; new and old… but I feel like I’ll never be able to break this tension. I want to start fresh, begin doing rather than thinking. For someone who has been alone their whole life, I can surely say the active need of bondage and love should be endless. My message is not meant to be a form of sadness wrapped in a depression blanket, my idea was to write it out and I did just that; at least until my pain meds kick in.

I surely hope to share the story of my dads death, I believe it to be a learning piece. It was rather unusual in the way the timing worked out and I still cannot define why it happened the way it did. All I know is that, it wasn’t fair and I hope no one else goes through what I did.

In my final thoughts to wrap this post up, I’d like to say never be afraid to love openly. For many it can be a point of vulnerability and that’s why many of us put up that wall to protect our emotions. Its a normal reaction that human beings have and it certainly cannot be erased. But think about how much that can be given to the other individual. Perhaps, they haven’t felt as much as you can give. It seems selfless and it is, I maybe just that. It is how I give, I’ve held back on my feelings before and I have not been able to be the same person I am today. Creating such a bond is extraordinary to me, especially between two people, I certainly have learned to cherish it and I hope such a person can give all of that back to me one day. ❤

Live, Laugh, Love – TP